My First Czech Girl

This story is from my first night out on the town in Prague, It took place on Friday, January 8. So all the George Apartment dwellers went out to a bar Jack knew of called Shadow. It was a pretty cool bar—I’d go back—they had very cheap beer and foosball. We were all hanging and there were a few other CEA people there. It was so early in the trip that none of us really knew each other yet so there was that awkward, “who are you? where do you go to school?” stuff going on. We were situated at a few tables and benches because there were so many of us. The isle cut through the middle of the group and we kept having to shift to let people by. One girl stopped and started talking to us. Her name was Edita and she was a bit odd, but kind of interesting. She mentioned that she didn’t have a date to her college graduation dance. Being a kind, giving person—and hoping to score with a Czech chick—I told her that I’d go to the dance with her. I was half kidding but figured that if she said yes it would be kind of neat to see what a Czech grad party was like. Plus hooking her up with a date would be sure to get me laid. We talked some more throughout the time at Shadow and met her friend who was strange as fuck. He asked everyone what their name was and other random questions and as soon as someone answered he completely ignored them. Later he was talking to everyone in Czech and Edita started laughing I asked her what was up and she replied that, “he is swearing at them, telling them they are fucking stupid Americans,” and he was telling them in Czech, that they couldn’t speak Czech. Fucked up guy. Anyway, other people started to leave and Edita suggested we go to a club. She took me to a club called Vogon or some such, it was epic. It was in a basement, as many clubs here are, and was filled exclusively with Czechs—most clubs here all full of foreigners. It was a cool place, I’d go back. Anyway we were there for a long time and I started suggesting we go somewhere else. Now I am not the best at picking up signals but I thought that I was being pretty obvious, it was 5 in the fucking morning by this time, I wanted to get to to bed. We did leave, but only because the club we were in was closed and they kicked us out. She took me to one of the many Non-Stop Herna bars. These Herna bars are really sketchy and attract and have a colorful clientele. My parents told me never to go to them but I do end up going to them somewhat regularly, they are always open and when you need a drink after 5 AM you can’t be picky (more stories about late nights in Prague later). Anyway, we were there for a while for more beer, which I wanted nothing to do with. I thought I had met professional drinkers when I started school in Wisconsin but I hadn’t even met the high school JV yet. I can’t even come up with a suitable metaphor for how much Czechs drink. So this 115 pound Czech girl was drinking me under the table, I was drunk and tired and just wanted to get some action and/or go to bed and we were drinking at the Non-Stop. When Edita went to the bathroom the Czech teenagers at the next table started talking to me and then talking amongst themselves and laughing. I didn’t really mind that they were talking shit; I couldn’t understand it and fuck them anyway. But when they left I couldn’t resist making some snarky comments and one of them accused me of being, “aggressive.” I was being aggressive and I would have gladly kicked his ass, skinny, punk-ass pipsqueak. Edita defused the situation and said she was going to take me to the most romantic place in Prague, Hells yea! That’s what I’m talkin’ bout! It was 6 AM by this time and kind of foggy. She took me to, of all places, a monument to FUCKING PEOPLE KILLED BY THE COMMIES!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS CHICK?!?!?!!/!? It’s a hill with concrete stairs and there are metal, people with missing limbs and heads and stuff all over the place. This was on of the creepiest monuments I’ve ever seen and she took me here to hook up at 6 in the morning in the fog. I don’t even know what to say about the whole thing, I am still, weeks later, speechless. And as if that wasn’t enough, she was a terrible kisser. Unbelievably bad, I don’t know how she sucked that bad. That was most unfortunate. I think that I could have looked past all this except she went further. I woke up the next morning to a text saying, and I quote, “U have just messed up my life. E.” She had been making comments about me meeting her family and stuff. I’m pretty sure that the insane Czech chick was in love with me. That was a terrifying text to receive and left me with a quandary, is it worth putting up and insane Czech chick to see what a Czech grad party is like? I decided no, it is not worth it. She seemed very clingy, like that text one day after she met me, and I had no interest in meeting her family. Plus based on her idea of a romantic spot I was concerned that if I saw her again I’d end up as a lampshade or a wind chime. She sent me a few more texts which I ignored and then I guess she gave up. I felt bad about blowing her off and ignoring her, but she was out of her mind insane and I didn’t feel like putting up with her for 4 months. It was an unfortunate, cluster-fuck of a night but it did make for a pretty good story. I came to the realization that she didn’t have a date because she was insane and all. And what’s worse is now I wander Prague feeling like a Cold War spy, checking my 6 and waiting for the day when we end up on the same Metro car and she cuts off my testicles to make a necklace or some equally unpleasant confrontation takes place. A few people I know have seen her since so I know she’s out their hunting me like the wounded fawn I am. Why am I telling you this story now? Well, I’m lazy and didn’t get around to doing it sooner and the graduation ball I was supposed to attend is tomorrow, February 28^th. I’ll be in my apartment hiding, trying to avoid the potential wrath of a most likely still dateless Edita.